in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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