i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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