If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
