Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
