Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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