everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
