Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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