I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
