Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
