Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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