"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
