When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm too high and old for this...
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
