you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
