she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
