I'm gonna have a badass scar
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
