I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I believe in your delicious
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
