I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize