The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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