I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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