Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
