Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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