I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
