Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize
