If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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