So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
