I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He shit in the fireplace
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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