I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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