I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
