The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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