Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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