the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
