i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
