I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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