My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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