Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
