booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
