Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
