I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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