You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
