Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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