his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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