I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
