I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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