dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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