Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
