The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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