so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
