According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
