Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
