just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Let the clothes fall where they may.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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