im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
