Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
