The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
