Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
